The Nutcracker
by The Forgotten Disciple
Summary: Two Americans transfer to Hogwarts, next stop...chaos next chapter postponed
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Meeting

Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were sitting and chatting in a compartment on the scarlet steam engine, The Hogwarts Express, when the compartment door slid open to reveal a tall, dark-haired boy standing in the doorway. He took a look around, walked in and sat down opposite them and took out a magazine from his backpack and began reading it. "Excuse me," said Ron.

"Yeah," replied the boy, he had an American accent.

"We're having a conversation," said Ron.

"Everywhere else is full," he replied, "I'm waiting for my friend."

At that moment another American appeared at the door, "Kevin," he said, "I hate this place."

"I hate your shirt, but I ain't complaining," replied Kevin.

"I hate this transfer thing," said the other boy as he sat down next to Kevin, "I miss New York."

"You two are the transfer students?" asked Hermione.

"Yes," answered Kevin, "I'm Kevin, this is Mark."

"Hi," said Mark as he shook their hands.

"So you're homesick?" said Harry, to Mark.

"Yeah," said Mark, "I miss the Empire State, I miss Central Park…"

"Mark, it's been three days," said Kevin, agitated.

"And I miss Mary," said Mark.

"Especially since you slept with Amy," said Kevin.

"How do you know about that?" asked Mark, shocked.

"Everyone knows about that," said Kevin.

The five talked until the train reached the castle and they stepped off.


	2. The Hall

Chapter 2: The Hall

Once everyone had stepped off the train, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Mark and Kevin stepped onto one of the carriages pulled by something Mark and Kevin could not see. When the castle came into view Mark said, "What's that thing?"

"That's the school," answered Hermione.

"Ha ha," Mark laughed, "No seriously what is it?"

"The school," said Harry, "Don't it's got all the comforts of a home."

"Yeah?" said Mark, "Whose home? Dracula's?"

The carriages pulled up in front of the castle and all the students rushed into the Entrance Hall. When he saw the castle, Mark said, "Are we still in the 21st Century?"

After the sorting of the first years and Mark and Kevin (both Gryffindor), Dumbledore gave the usual beginning of year speech. Once he had finished, the feast began and everyone dug in. Once eyeing the feast, Mark said, "There aren't any pizzas, Kevin."

"Look," said Kevin, "Just put some stuff on a plate and hope everything clashes."

Kevin then turned to Harry, Ron and Hermione, who were asking many questions,

"Which school do you two go to?" asked Harry

"The New York State Academy of Magic," replied Kevin.

"How do you get there?" asked Ron.

"There's a line of buses," said Kevin.

"Kevin," said Mark, "Does this clash?"

Kevin looked at Mark's plate to see a pile of ten cupcakes, five pieces of steak, two helpings of potato salad and ice cream piled on top, "No Mark," said Kevin, "It's waging all out war."

"Where did you find him?" asked Ron to Kevin.

"He lived a few blocks down from me, when I was ten," answered Kevin, "He had a PlayStation, which was the only reason I ever went over."

"You spent time with him just because he had PlayStation?" asked Hermione.

"I'd have been friends with Hitler if he had a PlayStation," said Kevin.

Just then a huge burp came from Mark and he returned to stuffing his face, "And people say that dinner conversation is a lost art," said Kevin to Harry, Ron and Hermione.

Once everyone had finished dinner, they were ushered to their Houses. When everyone reached the Gryffindor common room, most of them hurried off to bed except for the five friends who all gathered around the fireplace to talk. When they had all sat down, Mark pulled out a magazine with Lesbian Galore written on its cover, "You brought that?" asked Kevin.

"How did he get a magazine like that?" asked Harry.

"Well," said Kevin, "Remember how I said I only went to his house because he had a PlayStation?"

"Yes," the trio answered together.

"Well, there was another reason," said Mark, "He has two mothers and they're both…gay."

"That's the other reason you went over to his house?" asked Hermione.

"For your information," said Kevin, "They make very good porn."

"I still can't believe you lost the video I lent you," said Mark, to Kevin.

Kevin smiled, "Yes," he said (lying), "I _lost_ it."

Hermione said, "Well, I'm off to bed," she got up and went up the stairs leading to the girl's dormitories. Mark began giggling, "What?" asked Ron.

"He's just remembering the time he and I snuck into the girl's changing room back home," replied Kevin, also giggling.

Harry and Ron looked at them in shock, "What?" said Kevin, stopping, "We don't do that."

"Well we should go to bed," said Harry.

"Yeah, Ok," said Kevin getting up.

"You guys go," said Mark, "I'm gonna come up later."

"Mark," said Kevin, "You are not gonna find a way to sneak into the girl's dormitories."

After a long silence, Mark said, "Alright," and went upstairs. Once upstairs, Kevin whispered to Mark, "_We'll_ think of a way tomorrow."


	3. Free Lesson

Chapter 3: Free Lesson

The five headed down for breakfast and got a seat at the Gryffindor table and began putting food on their plates, "That was a beautiful bird you had," Hermione told Kevin, she was referring to Moses, a cockatoo which had been sent to Kevin by his mother,

"Thanks," said Kevin, "He was a gift from my parents two years ago."

"Wish I could get a cool bird," said Mark.

"Kevin said you're a bit careless," said Harry.

"I am not careless," Mark retorted.

"Oh yeah," Kevin challenged, "What ever happened to the owl?"

"What owl?" asked Mark.

"My point exactly," said Kevin.

After breakfast they all went to their classes. The five found out that Professor McGonagall could not make it so the whole class had a free period. The class went up to the common room and the five began talking to each other, "I saw on your bag the letters 'n' and 'c'," Hermione told Kevin, "What does that mean?"

"It means Nutcracker," said Kevin.

"What does _that_ mean?" asked Ron.

"It means this…" said Kevin, who suddenly punched Mark in the nuts, hard.

"SON OF A BITCH," Mark screamed, and curled up onto the floor.

"Nothing to see hear people," Kevin said to everyone in the common room, who began to stare at Mark.

"I see," said Hermione and went on to read a book.


	4. Potions Disaster

Chapter 4: Potions Disaster

The potions classroom was full with people from Gryffindor and Slytherin were packed into the dungeon, they had been given the task of preparing a potion that would ward off vampires. Harry was paired off with Ron, Mark with Hermione and Kevin with Neville, "I've got a secret way of making this go faster," Mark told Hermione.

"What are you talking about?" Hermione asked, suspiciously.

"I mean adding a whole bottle of dragon blood," Mark said.

"Mark," said Kevin from his cauldron, "You don't want to do that."

"And why not?" asked Mark.

"You see," said Kevin, "I know this guy, who knew this guy, whose cousin did that and he wound up in sick bay, unable to move with pains all over his body."

"And the book says if you do add dragon blood, you should add only half a teaspoon," said Hermione.

"Screw that," said Mark and poured a whole bottle of dragon blood into the cauldron and…KABOOM.

_2 hours later_

"What's his condition, Madame Pomfrey?" asked Hermione.

"He's unable to move and has pains all over his body," Madame Pomfrey replied.

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Kevin entered the Hospital Wing to find Mark lying in a bed, "Hey, Mark," Kevin said.

"Hey," said Mark.

"How are you?" asked Harry.

"I'm stuck in bed, unable to move and my whole body hurts, how would you feel?" Mark asked, annoyed.

"I told you not to add the dragon blood," Kevin said.

"But it was funny," said Ron.

"SHUT UP," said Mark, "It was a brilliant plan."

"And the reason you're unable to move with pains all over your body," said Kevin.

"Touché," said Mark.


	5. End of the Day

End of the Day

It had been a long day and Harry, Ron and Hermione were in the common room; Harry and Ron were playing a game of wizard chess and Hermione was engrossed in a book about Ancient Runes.

All of a sudden, Kevin came in through the portrait hole with a piece of parchment in his hand, "Is that Mark's Charms homework?" asked Hermione.

"Yeah," said Kevin, "Poor Mark, stuck in a hospital bed all day," as he said this, he took out his wand and cat a spell on the parchment, causing Mark's name to be erased and Kevin's to replace it, "Is Mark good at Charms?" Kevin asked himself, "Oh, yeah, he is."

"What are you doing?" asked Hermione.

"'Doing' my Charms homework," said Kevin.

"You can't do that to Mark," said Harry.

"Sure I can," said Kevin and put the parchment into his schoolbag.

"Some people call that cheating," said Ron.

"I don't see any of those people here," said Kevin, "Do you?"

"No," said Ron and Harry.

"Well I'll tell Professor Flitwick," said Hermione.

"Do you have any proof?" asked Kevin.

"Harry and Ron saw the whole thing," said Hermione, "Right?"

"We didn't see anything," said Ron and Harry.

Hermione slammed her book shut and stormed off to the girls' dormitories, "Women," said Kevin, "Am I right or am I right?"

"You are cheating," said Ron.

"Shut up, I know," said Kevin and went up to bed.


End file.
